MPs vote to reestablish autocratic monarchy, public beheading
Britain is to become the world's newest dictatorship, ending centuries of contentious parliamentary rule and the farce of a purely ornamental monarchy.
At a special assembly meeting in the Commons yesterday, MPs overwhelmingly voted to abolish themselves and reestablish the traditional glory and tyranny of the British Crown and Empire.
The proposal has now moved to the House of Lords and a vote is expected by the weekend.
Specially trained Royal guards wearing the Queen's colours across their flak jackets have been reassigned to Westminster in preparation for the upcoming vote to assure that any debate on the floor makes the best use of time and that no misunderstandings occur.
The approved proposal states that Britain and all her dominions, past and present, is hereafter and forever "an independent, indivisible, sovereign, autocratic and essentially neo-fascist nation heading a far-flung regime dedicated to pillaging and the exploitation of indigenous populations."
Only four members of the assembly opposed the change, and have since been reported missing by their families.
Royal privileges "will immediately and automatically become entirely unchecked, reinstating such nostalgic monarchal powers as the right to condemn subjects to execution without trial, random imprisonments in the Tower of London and beheading on the spot for minor infractions such as spitting on the sidewalk or mentioning Dunkirk", the declaration says.
It also states that the houses of parliament must be vacated within a fortnight, the Palace of Westminster to be transformed into a pig farm and gift shop.
Several thousand people began celebrating in the streets when the news was announced last night.
"This is the people's victory," former Czarist supporter and monarchist 'Queen Mudder', 102, told Reuters news agency.
"With the glorious restoration of the oppressive and inbred English monarchy that made our empire great, loyal Britons have, at last, achieved their collective dream."
This news story concludes with two choruses of "Rule, Britannia."